Bitelight A Twilight Parody
by thewriter1025
Summary: Belly Duck moves to Spoons, and instantly falls in love with Ednerd Colon, a mysterious young man from her high school. But is he more than just a young man? Is he a...unicorn? Or a vampire...hmmm...
1. Chapter 1

PREFACE

I don't like vampires very much.

Well, besides the Colon's. Every other vampire I've met either hates me, wants me dead, or has a furry poncho and evil red hair.

I also don't like a lot of other things. Rain, snow, mud and even mangos. But enough of my life story.

The blonde one with the pony tail bit me. And it hurt. But you'll see why later.

This was a short preface. So yeah bye.

CHAPTER ONE: SPOONS.

My mother, Ranishma, decided to go live in Florida with her husband, Peter for exactly fifteen years. I wasn't too thrilled. But hey, ping-pong (minor league, mind you) champions are on the go.

My preppy attitude didn't stop me from wanting to make my stupid mother go to the mall with me and me "accidently" loosing her for an hour. But I remembered last time. We had to pay for some things.

I spat. I didn't realize it was on my mothers face. She giggled. I dramatically rolled my eyes over and over, causing whiplash for no reason at all.

She sighed and cleaned the spit off of her face. "So I got a new phone. Just type in those numbers I gave you, and somehow we can communicate." Obviously, Ranishma was all in on technology.

"I know, Mom. And remember. You don't spell 'Belly' with an 'x.'"

She stood for a minute, staring at Peter, who was putting my amazingly perfect luggage in the backseat of the stretch limo I had him order. Hey, I needed to leave Phoenix with a bang.

I was moving to Spoons, somewhere in the Pacific North-West area. It isn't on the map, obviously. But other certain towns are. Just because some vampires live there. Pssh, right.

My name is Belly Duck. Why Belly? It's short for Bellianokiki. It was apart of the Indian tribe we lived in when I was little, and my mother had just divorced Charles, my dad. We moved to Africa, to live in a small tribe. Then we moved to America. My mother still enjoyed the African clothes.

I strutted dramatically, yet casually to the stretch limo waiting for me. I forced Peter to open the door, and get on his back. I climbed onto him and wiped my shoes on his back. You might think that was selfish and stupid. But I was (obviously) preventing the limo from getting dirty. It was custom in Africa.

I vigorously sighed. Spoons wouldn't be that bad. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I could meet a vampire, fall in love, meet a werewolf, fall in love, and become a huge loser who can't pick between two supernatural men that millions of girls dream about. Or just not fit in with people. That would be worse.

I checked myself out in the limo with my Polly Pocket mirror. My groundhog brown hair was looking very tousled today. Sexy. I was getting some tips from this random British dude, Rob or something? Yeah, well I was going for my ninth week in a row without washing it. Score!

The limo driver started to choke. "SHUT UP!" I yelled kindly, as I sniffed my hair. He gagged. "What?" I finally asked.

"What's…that…smell?"

"Does it smell like dead llamas getting eaten by vigorous rabid squirrels that just puked tacos?"

"Spot on."

"Then it's my breath. My hair is far much worse. The stink doesn't fill in until later."

He rolled his eyes and put the little divider in the windows up. Then he rolled the windows down. I could hear gagging come from other cars. I smiled creepily to myself.

I actually couldn't wait for Spoons. Something about towns named after dinnerware excited me. That and sparkly vampires, but pssh, how stupid is that! I only find those in Puerto Rico. I hated that place. But that's another story.

I sadistically winked at an Asian man in the car next to us, who stopped gagging.

He made a face that either meant "call me!" or "Oh my God. Get the smell away from me." I assumed because of my beauty that it meant that he wants me to marry him. But I'm old enough to know that I only marry people under the age of twenty-one if they are vampires. But those aren't real.

I felt a sudden thrust of movement. I dropped the apple I was eating. It doesn't symbolize anything, mind you. I figured the limo driver got a whiff of my groundhog hair. I figured he was knocked out, so I had to break down the wall between us with my amazing beauty, and I stumbled my way to the wheel. Sure enough, there he was, all dead and gone. I smiled again.

I took control of the vehicle, wishing it was a big ugly red truck. I made little car noises that went like "vroom!" and such other nonsense. It made me feel more mature.

Eventually, I got to FIXtional Airport. I snapped to get someone's attention to carry my bags. No one noticed. I growled quietly. I decided to step out of the car, and that's when I saw the old woman.

I ran up to her and dragged her over to me. I threw my light thirty seven bags into her arms and told her to bring them to gate 70 F, which was at the total opposite end of the airport I was at now.

I politely forced her to drag my stuff along with me. I had four hours to wait, but you never know what might happen!

The old woman passed out. I gave her CPR. She recovered, and I gave her a penny to go buy some book that came out about a girl and a vampire in love.

After that, I realized something. I needed someone to carry my bags. I found a little boy. He looked around four years old, which was perfect. I told him I'd buy him some candy if he took thirty eight of my bags. I'd carry the thirty ninth- my handbag.

We got to my gate in twenty two minutes. It would have been faster if the boy's mother hadn't come up to me and screamed at me for "child abuse." I took three of my bags from the kid and threw them at the mom. She was knocked out. I smiled, again. Wow, I was on a role.

I forced the boy to pick up the three I threw, and continued walking. But we sped walked this time. You never know when angry moms wake up when you steal their children.

I stumbled my way onto the airplane after an hour or so. My timing is awful, I will admit.

I tripped over a couple people, causing some minor (extremely serious) injuries. But Charles wouldn't mind being sued again.

The plane ride was boring. I sat by an extremely large man. His name was Bobby, as he told me. He played in a band called "Trip In Girl." He said some things about "Fall Out Boy" and "hating them" and "making fun of them." My honest opinion is parodies are lame.

I fell asleep during the middle of his grandfathers "heroic moment in his life" involving guns and someone named Hitler.

_I walk down a long polka dotted road. Ooooh, polka dots! Purrtttyyy. I shake my head, trying to focus. I see a stake (not the food). Then I see fangs. Then I see garlic bread. I scream._

I dramatically gasped_. _The airplane was empty. And there was a huge wad of drool all over my clothes. "Gosh, darn-it," I muttered. "Not again."

Charles waited for me. I saw him. The only thing that was in the way of us was dozens of people, gift shops, and three escalators. I managed to trip over all of them.

By the time I got down to him, he had gotten thirty-seven of my bags. I then remembered I was carrying the other two, after almost crying of losing them.

"Nice to see you, Melinda," he greeted me warmly.

I pulled out a pocketknife that I secretly snuck onto the plane. "It's. Belly."

He gulped. "Oh….wait…Sandy?"

I rolled my eyes. We got into the police car of his (he's the sheriff), while he guessed who I was.

I saw the Sporks sign. Population: three hundred and one. I was the one.

"I got you added to the population!" Charles cheered. "Wait…Delany?" I smacked him. "No."

We drove by the grocery store: Mack and Jacks. I laughed quietly to myself. I had a friend named Jack back in Phoenix.

Out my window, I saw a bunch of shirtless hunky guys who were way too young for me. I creepily smiled, again. They had short hair and weird tattoos. They were spray painting a wall: IF U LIKE WOLVES HOWL. I howled.

Charles smacked me. "What was that for?" I screamed peacefully.

"Lindsey-Ann?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm your daughter."

He gasped. "Belly?"

I smiled.

"Charles," I said, confused. "You passed our house."

He looked at me. "Why don't you call me dad?"

I considered that. "So turn back, Charles."

He nodded, and did so.

I hated this house. It was so much smaller than Ranishma's and Peter's. It was mediocre. It was a three story crap hole that stretched from almost the beginning to end of Spoons. My room was too small. Nothing like the trailer home back in Phoenix.

I walked out of my room, suddenly getting an idea. Since my room wasn't big enough for my cacti, vampire posters, cute werewolf stuffed animals, and my ego, I realized if we took out all of the up stairs, that would fit most of it. Then I remembered this three story house only had fourteen bathrooms. I needed them for my pretty pictures I drew when I was little. It had pictures of my imaginary friends, Taylor Stewart and Kristen Lautner and I. I loved them, even though I got rid of them a long time ago. Fourteen weeks and going strong.

I stumbled toward the escalator, down the stairs, and did a few accidental back flips passed the zoo. I smiled as I passed the penguins. Charles remembered. My favorites.

Charles found me with a couple bruises and a temporary concussion. He slapped me and that got me out of it. "Want to go to the café tonight? You can get your favorite, cherry cobbler."

"Dad," I scoffed. "Cherries are so last year. Bananas are the new thing." Poor, poor Charles. Always out of it.

Charles sighed. "I'm sorry, Belly. I just haven't seen you in so long…"

Before he started to sob, I said: "Fine let's go! But if anyone sees me with you, I'm telling them you're just a dedicated fan who one the Meet Belly Duck contest."

He smiled respectively. He grabbed the car keys from the table. "Charles!" I scoffed. "I drive. Give me. The keys." I love threatening.

He nodded and hiccupped. I grabbed the keys from him, and got into the car. I drove to the café, waving to Charles in the rearview mirror. He could walk.

When I got to the café, I walked in dramatically. Only three people fell when I gracefully walked by, and one even gasped. I hoped they remembered me from my old Spoons days, when I was the child star: Belly Duck, Kung Fu master.

An extremely ugly, skinny, clear faced, tan woman with amazing makeup was my waitress. Her name was Betty. Or Janise, I couldn't really remember. "Is anyone joining you?" Betty or Janise asked me. I shook my head, and then remembered Charles. "Oh, yeah. Just a dedicated fan. He isn't my dad or anything."

She nodded and brought me the chocolate milk I asked for. I smiled at the old man sitting next to me, who looked at me with a confused expression. I slowly sipped my milk and winked at him.

I got my totally not gross vegetarian burger when Charles came in. He was dripping in sweat and blood.

"What happened?" I asked.

He took a deep breath. "Some animal attacked me or something…I don't remember."

I rolled my eyes violently. "Dad, we need to get you to a hospital!" He shook his head. His ear was slightly chipped off.

"Why not?"

"Because what if you do something crazy and end up in the hospital? Like jump off a cliff? Or if a car crashes into you? We don't need two hospital bills. These are desperate times, Belly."

I nodded. "You're a good dad."

He smiled. "Because I'm always thinking?"

"No," I said totally not rudely. "Because you finally realize that I'm more important than you."

We ate our dinner in silence after that. I thought I said something wrong, but pssh. It's me. I don't do anything wrong. It's always his fault.

On the car ride back, I noticed he was smiling. "What?" I snapped. He shook his head slowly and chuckled. "You'll see. Your present is back at home."

I threatened to kill him if he didn't tell me, and then realized that it was improper to threaten people with out the actual weapon you threatened to use.

He said that we were almost home, and for once, he was right.

There were two girly figures standing in the driveway. Well, one was in a wheelchair, but they were both men.

Charles skipped out of the car and went to hug the one in the wheelchair. "Dilly!"  
I started laughing. "What kind of name is Dilly?"

Dilly coughed and slowly sighed. "My name is Dilly. You don't remember me, I guess. You made fun of me when you were three, too. Some things never change…"

"Belly," Charles said slowly. "These are the White's. The one with the weird long hair even though buff's name is Jack."

"Jack…White…"

Jack looked at me funny. "What?"

I shook my head. "Nothing…it's just how I remember people's names."

Dilly coughed. "Sorry, I'm coming down with a case of the vamps."

I made a question mark face.  
"Never mind."

"Kay."

"So, Belly. Here's your present."

"Where? Is it behind the hideous green truck?"

"That truck _is _your present…" Dilly said.

I kicked it. "I hate it."

Charles smiled awkwardly. "Jack will give it a paint job."

"Make it purple. Just like the sheets on my bed that my dad picked out without telling me." I glared at Charles.

"So, do you want a ride to school?" I asked Jack nicely.

He made a face. "Err…it's ten at night…and I don't go to Sporks High. I think I'm better than everyone else so I go to a school where girl hair, tattoos and total hot body-ness is required."

I flicked him. "Get away from me."

He awkwardly walked away. I glared at Dilly, telling him that he's next if he doesn't watch it.

They left, and I went inside. "So," I said. "How much did it cost?" I figured knowing my father; he probably spent around five hundred to one million dollars on me.

He smiled. "Nothing. It was free."

…I knew it.

I stumbled past the circus area to find my room. "Where's my room question mark."

"Did you just say question mark?"

I did that a lot.

"No," I snapped. "Now where is it?"  
He spun me around and right there was a purple door that read BELLY'S ROOM in big ugly red letters.

I nodded. "Ah."

"Goodnight, Cindy!"  
A growl came from within me. "I'm your daughter."

Charles gasped. "Belly?"

I smiled again.

Most chapters end with the main (attractive, beautiful and sexy) character going to sleep. But I'm too beautiful, attractive, sexy and main to do that. That's Charles' job.

Instead, I was planning exactly how my day would go tomorrow for my first day in Spoons High.

I would meet some people, eat food, and come home. Oh and some weird supernatural thing.

I hoped I met a boy named Ednerd Colon. And some other kids. But mainly Ednerd. This isn't foreshadowing, mind you.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO: TEACHER'S LOVE ME TO DEATH.

My day was fantastic. It was full of Colon's, Egyptian dancing, a whack in the face, and some Colon's. Yes, I said Colon's twice. GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, MISTER? No? Good.

Anyway (before someone rudely interrupted me), I took my big ugly car to school, after elbowing Charles for not saying 'good morning my little Sweetie-Cake.'

The ride to school wasn't that long. I figured that most little towns like this were all over crowded with ugly teens and vampires. Wait- this is one of those towns. Wait what?

I had my windows rolled down so the forty-nine mile per hour winds blew my beautiful hair back off my face. I almost flew backwards when I turned left, because the wind was pretty strong. I was too sexy to fall over. I dramatically rolled the window back up.

As I pulled into school, only running over three students and one teacher, I looked around. This school was amazing. It was one story and it could fit in Charles' house. At least it'd be easy for me to find everything. I tend to forget easily.

A group of low-life scum's came up to me. "Wanna be friends?" I asked them. A girl with brown hair and an ugly nose responded: "Sure?"

"We were just gonna make fun of you for being the new girl, but hey, we need more recruits!" An ugly African American said.

"What are your names?" I asked, bored.

The ugly nose responded: "Judith. The ugly Afro's name is Timmy, the ugly girl with those glasses is Amy, the ugly guy next to her with the wanna-be cool haircut's name is Aaron, and this ugly boy's name is Mick."

I wanted to call them all Jessica, Tyler, Angela, Eric and Mike for no reason. But I didn't. "Are you the ugly-crew?" I gasped.

Mick nodded. "Si!"

"This isn't Spanish, you nut," Amy said.

Judith whispered to me, "She's kind of obsessed with her culture. She loves everything Asian."

I nodded slowly, as if I knew that already.

I would now like to give you my bios on all of my characters so far in my one of a kind: Belly Duck, Red Cross member diary:

** Belly Duck- Sexy, beautiful, main character of everything important in life. **

** Ranishma Scotts- Stupid mother of Belly's who is married to Peter, Belly's step dad. She's silly, but pretty much Belly's only true friend. (WHAT? IIIIII HAVE MILLIONS OF FRIENDS.)  
Peter Scotts- The ugly creeper who checks me out whenever Ranishma isn't there. I pretty much moved because of his girl-like attitude. **

** Charles Duck- Stupid father of mine who works in the police station and in a dress shop on Wednesday's. He loves football. And beer. And magazines, but he hides them whenever I come around…Odd….*note* must look into that.**

** The Whites- Dilly and Jack. I hate Dilly. I love Jack. Wait what? Woof. Don't know where that came from.**

** The Ugly Crew: Amy, Judith, Timmy, Aaron and Mick: **

** Amy- One of those supportive friends who really has no life. She loves everything Asian, including that boyfriend of hers, Aaron. I like her.**

** Aaron- Amy's boyfriend. He's okay. **

** Judith- I plan on clinging onto her until she gets completely annoyed and ditches me because she hates me for no reason at all. I secretly want her to die.**

** Timmy- The loser African American. I think he likes anything that moves. *Note* Watch out, Charles… **

** Mick: Obviously is incredibly and insanely and passionately in love with me. Watch out for him.**

** The woman at the café: Don't like very much. Her name is either Betty or Janise. I hope it's something majestic like Claudia. I hope she dies, too. *note* See Judith. **

** Limo driver/People at airport: Not important at all, so bye. **

"What time does class start?" I asked.

Mick looked down at his watch. "Oh, fudge! It started thirteen minutes ago!"

I felt cool being thirteen minutes late. I thought I'd feel even cooler being forty minutes late, so I told them to skedaddle without me.

I dramatically walked into school forty-one minutes later. I stumbled, flipped, tripped and fell my way to the office. A very ugly plump woman smiled at me. "You know class starts at nine, not ten? Oh well, it's your first day. I'll give you a pass."

I slapped her. How rude of her!  
She gave me my class schedule after the "apologies and what my name was and such" and I glanced down. "I have P.E? I thought that was for little fat children who were ruining our country. I am obviously not fat. I weigh one hundred and three pounds. What are you at? Two hundred and seventy? YOU need exercise. I. Don't."

The secretary looked at me like I was the nicest person in the world. I smiled sweetly. "So could you please take gym out? I'm also not good with any form of ball." I giggled quietly at the double meaning.

She shook her head slowly. "Did you call…me fat?"

"No!" I said quickly. "No, no, no! I said you were overweight! There's a slight difference! Kay so you aren't taking gym out? Ah, well…"

She glared at me, and slowly reached for some scissors. I dramatically gasped and fell down, starting to slowly crawl away. This was my "horror movie girl" phase.  
The principle walked in and gasped. "INGRID!" He gasped. "Come into my office. Now."

I smiled at "Ingrid." I sat down patiently and waited till she came out of the office, sobbing. The principle called me in.

I sat down in the big comfy seat, and he looked at me oddly. "What?"

"Err…that's my seat…"

I waved my hands. Please, sit." He awkwardly sat down. "Now what is it you want?"

"I wanted to discuss the Ingrid situation…you won't…sue…will you?" He was scared.

I felt like I had power. I smiled oddly. "No…not unless…"

"Unless…what?"

"Unless you give me what I want."

"Which is?"

"Money. And loads of it."

He quickly gave me forty three dollars from his wallet. "That enough?"

I shrugged. "Eh…" I was in a good mood, so I just walked out, nodding.

The class was leaving by the time I walked in. "Sorry," I lied. "Some fat chick tried to kill me."

The teacher, whatever his name was, just shrugged and ate a banana. I wanted to stab him. But I realized something: Lunch time.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE: I EAT LUNCH WITH SOME UNICORNS. YUM.

I swished into the lunchroom. Yes, swished. I've been getting into Ranishma's old clothes I found in Charles' attic. I was pretending to be a weird crazy dude with a funny mustache looking for a little girl writing a diary, but I found the trunk labeled AFRICA.

I thought it was a type of cereal, so I opened it but all I found were some old skirts. Lame. Still, it was better than my Barbie jeans. Hmm…

Anyways, the lunchroom was packed. Well, packed for Spoons High School, anyways. There were tables full of jocks, art freaks, vampires, normal-ish kids, and nerds. Since I thought of myself as superior to all of the others sitting at the tables, I sat alone by a window. That's when THEY came.

Their hair was the color of dandelions. Wait… ew dandelions are weeds. I thought of a better adjective. Butter. They had hair the color of butter.

There was an extremely tiny one. I picked out a name for her. Anna. Her pixy hair was jelled. I must get tips from her.

The one next to her had extremely long hair and was wearing a feminine poncho. It said "Tree Hugger" on it. I'll call him Josiah. What a fabulous name.

There was a particularly skinny one. Yet he looked like a jock. This will be Emerson.

Next, there was a one who looked like a movie star. I had to make sure I wasn't looking in a mirror. Her name will be Rose- no. Tulip.

And the last one tripped over a milk carton and dropped his Trig book. I knew right then and there he was the one for me, hands down. Ednerd.

The way they walked…it seemed like they were… unicorns. Woah. They all headed my way. Ohmigosh. I smoothed out my ruffled hair and African skirt. I. Looked. Hot.

Emerson came up to me. "Hey!" He boomed. "This is our table! Move it!" I was taken aback. No one, well except my pet bunny, talked to me like that. I stood up armed with my "One thousand Worlds Best Comebacks" book, by Stephie Mayers. I started to do number six. The weird hippie one who smelled like broccoli interrupted me, though.

"Woahhhhhhhhh, duuuuuude! What's with all the hate? She can chill with us. It's cool, man."

I giggled. He talked like Ranishma's ex. His name was Jasper. I didn't like him. "My name is Duck. Like the animal. First name Belly. I was murdered December Sixth- wait, I've never been murdered! Wrong book…who am I kidding?" I smacked myself so hard I got a bloody nose. I'm pretty sue I started a new fashion right then and there.  
"Classic work of literature…" Ednerd's beautiful angelic voice sang from the Heavens above. I burped. "Yeah."

He smiled a perverted and quirky smile. I smiled sheepishly. He was hot.

Judith sprinted over here. "Hey, Ugly Three, I mean Judith!" I said. She nodded to my new best friends awkwardly then whispered something to me. "Why are you sitting with them?"

I was taken aback again. I smacked her, giving her a bloody nose, too. She yelped. "What?" I rolled my eyes. "It's the new thing."

She smiled and pulled my entire one hundred and three pounds out of my seat, causing me to knock over about half of the lunch room.

"What?" I hissed. "He's my lover!"  
"Who? Josiah? Or Emerson?"

"Not them…"

Judith widened her eyes. "Tulip? Anna? Belly!" She gasped.

I smacked her. "Stupid! Ednerd!"

"What's that?"

"My beautiful unicorn…" I trailed off.

She rolled her eyes.

I noticed something. "I guessed their names as soon as I saw them…" She shrugged. "They wear name tags. It's some African tribe thing…"

I gasped. "They…lived in Africa?"

She nodded slowly.

And then I knew I was in love.

As I sat down with my ugly, boring and human-ish friends, I immediately glanced over at the beautiful angelic unicorns. I whinnied very loudly and sexually for them (mainly Ednerd) to notice I appreciated the imaginative animals that exist just not in real life.

Some funny little jocks decided that I was doing some chant. They whinnied like crazy. I was impressed, and then I got mad. I stood up and threw my entire lunch at them. I sat down and winked at the unicorns.

"What are there last names?" I asked Judith, Mick, Timmy, Aaron and Amy.

No one answered, so I whinnied again. Amy looked up. "The Colon's. As in the things that digest poop."

I went into dream world. I wondered if unicorn poop or even unicorn colons were as sexy as I thought they were. But vampire colons were pretty hard to beat…

Then I had a pretty intense thought: I should get the Colon's and that Claudia girl in the same room! Now THAT would be "epic" as the little dickens like to say these days.

Mick elbowed me. I felt violated and picked up my spork from my now empty trey of food and stabbed him.

Aaron and Timmy were talking about some clouds. Timmy likes things that moved. Amy and Judith were talking about boys, shopping, jewelry, clothes and Taylor Lautner. What men.

I arrogantly decided it was time to do something productive. I stood up and screamed "UNICORNS ROCK MY HORNS."

The entire Colon clan stared at me, like I just said something utterly ridiculous. Or because I was smoking hot.

A group of the prep cheerleaders came in. I wanted to cut them.

A blonde yelled: WELCOME BACK, SPOONITES!

I was confused. I was never there in the first place and…Spoonite? A bunch of other male and female cheerleaders came in and chanted random stuff such as "We are the Spooners! The mighty, mighty Spooners!"

I started to laugh with some of the jocks at the inappropriateness. I wondered if unicorns ever ate anything with spoons….

"So, Belly," someone said to me. I screamed. Was it Ednerd? I turned around and it was Timmy. I rolled my eyes. "What?"

"Prom…is coming up…"

Uh-oh. I knew I was going to be extremely popular in Spoons, but this? Already? I had to let him down easy. "Ednerd was the man for me… I had to answer him."

Timmy looked confused. "Did you mean to say that out loud?" I snapped at him. "This is _my" _(snap) "novel."

"Uh…never mind about prom…I'm sure someone else will go…" He ran out the door. I yelled after him: "Call me!"

Judith looked at me, stunned. "You're like… the new kindergarten toy. Everyone wants to play with you."

I made a face. "I'm not Monopoly. Judith. I'm a young and independent woman."  
Amy nodded. "You go, gal!"

"Gal?"

This non-African slang threw me off like a bull riding cow boy. Ignore that simile.

I decided to bring some more Africa into Spoons. I pulled out my MP3 player (why wouldn't they be allowed in school?) and turned up the African jams.

I stood on the table, stepping in Aaron's mashed potatoes, spilling Judith's milk all over her, and kicking Mick, Timmy and (somehow drop kicked) Amy while I was dancing. My performance was H.O.T Sexy.

The uni-Colon's (clever, eh?) watched me from afar. I hollowly winked at Ednerd and continued dancing. Soon, the nerds started dancing, too. Followed by the cheerleaders, then the art freaks, then the ugly crew, then the jocks. This was like High Spoon Musical! My favorite Spoon soap drama!  
Timmy brought in his disco ball and just like that we had amazing choreography planned out and amazing vocals. I was famous!  
Then the principal came in. I seductively nodded to him, encouraging him to let out his highest note.

"WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS?" He screamed.

I gasped. "You don't enjoy African culture? What kind of racist school is this?"

He took in a breath, obviously defeated by my wits. "Was this…your idea?"

"Let's just say it is. What would happen?"

"Then you'd be suspended for a day for doing inappropriate things in the lunch room."

"Well, I see. Good thing it was all Judith!" I quickly pointed at her and she scoffed. "No, it wasn't!"

"Come here, young lady," he warned her, and she glared at me. She mouthed "I hate you," but I knew from my beautiful complexion and groundhog hair she was talking to the window behind me. I smiled warmly at her and yelled "I love you, too!"

She pounced at me. How dare she!  
The principal called security and Judith was cussing as they pummeled her to the ground, and then dragged her away.

I would have to send a "thank you" card for her hospitality.

After all of that fun stuff, I turned around to casually wink at the Colon's. They weren't there. I gasped.

Unicorns…they weren't unicorns! No unicorn could totally disappear in the four minutes I wasn't paying attention! They had to be something…so…supernatural…that even vampires would be scared of. I could only think of one thing: _sparkling _unicorn vampires. I shuttered.

"So, I'm gonna go to gym now," I rolled my eyes.

As I walked by the office, I suddenly remembered my plan I never shared with you. The plan that would get me out of gym.

I stormed into the main office, where Judith was sitting with a black eye. She hissed at me. I thought we were playing some animal game, so I moo'd back.

"YO!" I screamed, ignoring her pretending to shoot me. I was ticked. No one noticed my dramatic entrance!

A secretary looked up. She was actually normal sized. "Hello!"

I rolled my eyes at her selfishness. "I have a disorder that makes me completely go out of mind when I'm in or next to gyms. So I can't do gym. Kay?"

She nodded. "Wait…is that-,"  
I cut her off. "Kay bye! No gym for the next four years!"

"Ms. Duck!" She called back. I was upset. My name was Belly. Not "Ms."

"What?"

"You have to do gym today. Your father never sent me a note. Sorry."

I shrugged. "Eh…fine. Just today. What exactly are we doing?"

She thought for a moment.  
"Anytime now?"

"Oh, yes!" She said. "Dodge ball."

I glared. My worst enemy.

She stood up. "You need to get going, Ms. Swan."

I stomped my foot like a little girl. "IT'S DUCK! DUCK! SWAN'S ARE MORE MARVELOUS CREATURES!"

She looked nervous, like I was going to eat her or something. That'd be gross. But some mustard might do the trick…

I shook my head and erased that thought. "Sorry!" She said quickly. "Duck. Belly Duck."

She seemed…hypnotized. I felt unstoppable.

I then remembered hypnosis was for losers. I turned around and started to walk off when I noticed Ednerd outside the office. He glared at me like he was passionately in love with me. I smiled and realized I needed a new strategy to get him to fall in love with me. I decided that it was time to play hard-to-get. I rolled my eyes at him and casually shoved into him as I strutted my way to the gym. I only knocked over four people.

Ahh, gym class. How much I would like you to die. Along with Claudia and Judith. I winked at a creepy nerdy kid and he fell over. The work of my beauty, I'm telling you.

When I got to gym they already started doing some game which involves vigorously whipping foam balls at people across the room. Weird. A teacher with crazy black hair all pilled on top of her head screamed at me for being late. Oh well, fashionably late as I always say.

I went to stand by the Uglies when suddenly a ball came out of nowhere and slammed me across the face. And do you know what color the ball was? Blue. I. Hate. Blue.

I used my Spidey Senses and located the jerk who hit me with the evil colored ball. Target locked. Lasers shot out of my eyes and I felt my fists flying and hitting flesh. Wait, this doesn't work in real life. Duh. I smacked myself in the nose, breaking it. Another new fad. Ah, they come and they go.

Anyways, the lasers just happened to be my freakish hair flying all over the place in front of my eyes, and the flesh I was hitting was some obese kid's tummy. It was extremely jiggly. I continued my walk over to the Uglies, but I never got over there because I kept falling down so many times. So class ended. Thank. God.

I strutted toward the locker room where I realized I never changed. I stood there while the girls changed and stuff. It was kind of awkward, so I just left. They all noticed my dramatic scene where I crab-walked toward the exit, leaving them in total shock of how perfect I was.

All of a sudden I saw Tulip and Anna. I waved gracefully, smacking someone in the face. Her name was Grace. Oh, the irony. "Sorry," I made her apologize to me. My stiletto eyebrows fixed while I tried to hear the apology in her tone. She waited in silence. "Go. Now." I said.

Tulip rolled her eyes from afar. "Don't be a jerk," Anna said to her. I went up to them, acting normal. "Hey," I said, normally.

Anna looked at me. "You. Are. UGLY."

I smacked her. "How dare you!" I was about to lunge at her, when she stopped me. She pulled out a hair clip. It wasn't blue, it was magenta. My favorite color.  
"_This_ will make you look hot."

I grabbed it from her and put my hair up in a ponytail. I felt like a model.

"Thanks, gal!" I decided to use the "American" terms. She nodded strangely. Tulip glared at me, then said they had to leave. I could tell we hit it off. As soon as they left, I took the clip out, and spat on it. Gross.

I saw Amy walk out of the locker room. I needed to ask her what my next class was, because I was too important to check such trivial things.

"Err, you have chemistry next! So do I! I didn't know you were extremely advanced!"

"Chemistry's for…smart people here?" I was shocked.

"Err, for this grade, why?"

"Stop saying err!" I screamed. "And because I took it in…when…hmm… seventh grade."

She gasped. "SMARTY PANTS!"

"Kay." I walked away, leaving her with a hint of my beauty.

Timmy decided to walk me to class. "I don't have chemistry with you, you freak," I kindly scolded.

He shrugged. "So? Your groundhog hair smells like my uncles llama farm. It reminds me of home…"

I left him with his flashback, only because it would horridly slow down the progression of this non-important ending of a chapter. The chapter should end with something about Ednerd. Dang it, I can't think of anything. I guess the next chapter is unimportant, too. Wait, scratch that. Ednerd's in the next chapter. Very. Important.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR: THROWING HARMOO.

I had to make a pit stop before chemistry. It helps my stink if I go to the bathroom and take a shower in the sink. Anyways, I was only 6 minutes late to class. A new record!

As I put away my stop watch, a walked into class. No wait, I didn't walk. I cart wheeled. Everyone was too busy smelling my clean hair to notice though. I took off my movie star glasses and turned on a fan to make my hair blow. "Hey, Teacher. I'm. Here."

All the teacher did was a spastic eye-roll and point to an empty seat. I could tell he was just dazzled by my amazing beauty and exotic scents. I winked at him.

Oh. My. .

The empty seat was next to Ednerd. As I back flipped over to my seat, I could tell Ednerd was staring at me. He loved me. I knew it.

I whipped my hair around as I sat down in my seat, trying to be as Abercrombie model-ish as possible. I only killed three nerds, another new record! Belly Duck was on a roll!

"Hey," I said dramatically. Hot stuff.

"Hi, Belly," Ednerd pushed up his glasses.

I was stunned. "How…how did you know my name?"

"It's on your underwear?"

Curse you Ranishma, and your sewing skills!  
As I pulled up my African-made jeans, I noticed Ednerd's hair and I had a strong desire to sniff it. I casually sat up, stretched over to him, and threw my face into his hair, taking a huge sniff. Yes. Strawberries.

He awkwardly looked at me and shoved me. I fell over.

"What is wrong with you?" He sexually hissed. I winked.

"Nothing," I said, casually.

The teacher looked at me. "Be quiet, Belly!"

I stood up and threw my history book at him. It missed and hit the chalkboard, cracking it in half. I blamed it on Amy.

"How did Amy do this?" The teacher yelled.

"Her evil mind powers made me!" I declared.

"I don't know what she's talking about, Mr. Pattinson," Amy said, worried.

"She's controlling everyone! Right now! Even you! To believe that I did it! IT. WAS. HER."

Mr. "Pattinson" decided that I needed to go to the principal's office. Woot! Two times in one day? Back in Arizona, I'd be considered a good student! I smiled.

As I stood up, I knocked over our table. Ednerd groaned. I fell over, landing on my back.

Everyone rushed over me. "Are you okay?"

I tried to blink. "Hi."

"You just fell, Belly!" Mr. Pattinson said.

"No…?"

"Yes, you did!" Amy gasped.

"Nope."

"She obviously blacked out, you unsophisticated humans," Ednerd's angelic voice boomed.

I shook my head and shrugged. "Kay."

"Ednerd, take her to the office," Mr. Pattinson said.

"No."

"PLEASE?" I begged.

"But she smells so attractive and I must pretend to hate her! This will ruin everything- I mean, sure," Ednerd said all gangster-ish. Yo.

I was confused, dazzled, tired and a tiny bit carnivorous at the same time. I vigorously tried to stand up but fell. "I'm okay," I screamed joyfully through my tears.

Ednerd gracefully helped me up, and even carried me out of the room like a proper gentle-unicorn. I wanted him to whinny. Loud and proud, as the old folk say.

I noticed Ednerd's stumbling and slow walking. "What's wrong?" I asked, worrying he would drop me and I would break my toe for the fourth time in my life. I gripped tighter.

"Nothing," he said. "You're just heavy."

"I slapped him," I said as I slapped him. "Dang it…I got to learn how to control what I say in real life and what I say in this novel…"

He ignored my comment. "Can you push my glasses up? They keep falling…"

I slowly pushed his glasses up, feeling up his face. I could feel the little hairs on his cheek and leaned in to lick them. As I was about to, I whispered something dirty into his sexy ear. He threw me.

"What's wrong with you?" I screamed peacefully. "Don't be sexual with me!" Ednerd snapped back. "And my facial hair? Really?"

He was actually serious. "And it's not an African thing! You're just a perverted girl! And I'm. Not. A. Unicorn. And I hate you. So much. No. I hate you with a burning…a burning _passion _of hate. I hope if we _do _ever go out, I break up with you and kill myself in some Italian place. Then you save me and we fight evil vampires. Then we get married and have a kid. Now get away from me."

I sighed. "Ednerd…turn around…please." He stopped walking away from me and slowly turned. "What?"

I winked at him. "Call me!"

As he walked down the hallway, I whinnied. Hot.

I had to have a moment by myself to think about things. What's wrong with the boy? He didn't want to be my lover? My soul mate? My Mac to his Cheese?

And what's up with the facial hair? We were seventeen years old, I mean come on. What was he, four? Oh. Never mind. Scratch that.

And what's up with global warming? And movie editing systems? And cat fur?

I had to stop myself before I got too far into Belly Land. You never want to go there.

I knew he had to be something more than a unicorn. More than a Uni-Colon. I had to think…

As I sat on the floor, I put away my _Dracula _novel I was reading and my garlic bread crotons. Then I took out my pink glow in the dark fangs.

These Colon's were mysteries.

I knew he had to be something more than a unicorn. More than a Uni-Colon. I had to think…

As I sat on the floor, I put away my _Dracula _novel I was reading and my garlic bread crotons. Then I took out my pink glow in the dark fangs.

These Colon's were mysteries. Again.

I stood up casually to see if anyone had seen my Oscar winning moment. No one. I sighed.

I noticed a flickering light above me, and then I transformed. Slowly, my hair and face and eyes got (even more) beautiful. I felt my legs start to stumble. I knew then, that I was in Horror-Movie Girl Mode. I quickly and dramatically fell to the ground and started to desperately crawl away, from nothing, obviously thinking that running wouldn't save me.

I was as hot as the sun. No, hotter.

I started to cry out things like "What do you want from me?" and "Get away!" and such trivial things. I even tossed my hair over and over. Where were the directors when I needed them?

A teacher passed me in the hallway during my screaming. He gave me a weird look. Freak! I continued to crawl, ignoring him asking me if I was okay. What kind of masochistic place was this? Arizona and Africa were a lot cooler than Spoons. Spoons didn't even start with an A! What the heck?

My head suddenly bumped into something. "How dare-," I started, but realized that it was the nurses office. I stood up and quietly opened the door, slithering in on my back.

As I finished slithering and making my snake-like hisses, the woman sitting behind an ugly desk asked me a question. "What can I help you with?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Err…I forgot. But my head hurts."

She though for a moment. "Do you want an ice pack?"

I simply nodded twice. "That should keep 'er down for ye while."

"Uh…"

I glared at her. "Get away from me." She made a scared and confused face, and went to get my ice pack. As I waited the entire thirty-four seconds, I stomped my foot rhythmically. Finally, she came back. I grabbed the ice pack from her, and threatened her to leave or I'd go coyote on her.

She didn't move. I threw my ice pack at her, then picked it up off the ground, and threw it at her again. It hit her in the side of the face.

"What's wrong with you?" She asked me.

I got onto my hands and knees and starting barking. "Ah, ah, AHOOO!" I barked. "It's. Coyote. Time."

I did vigorous back flips and bounced off the walls in the office. She ducked, most likely in shock from my marvelous beauty as a coyote. I howled a few more times, and when I got to the ground again, I stood up. I picked up my ice pack from her desk, and smacked her again. "Tell anyone, you die. Got it?"

She nodded slowly, slowly reaching for the phone.

I nodded once and glared at her. I smiled. "Bye!"

I could have sworn I heard her say, "Hello, police?" Pssh.

Moments later, I stumbled back into Mr. Pattinson's classroom, and as I walked to my seat next to my future husband, only one kid flew out of the room. Curse my magic mind powers.

Now you're thinking: How could a goddess like Belly Duck have mind powers? Simple.

When I was in African elementary school, I had a friend named Todd. Todd Dillatneuwaller. One day, he stole my juice box. It was orange juice. My. Favorite. So I threatened to throw my pet elephant Snickers at him. He didn't believe I could lift an elephant, so I tried to prove him wrong. He was right. But one day, in fourth grade in Africa, Todd was showing us his project for Show and Tell Day, the most festive day in my school. When he was almost done, a giraffe's head just lunged right into our giant windows, shattering thousands of little pieces. I screamed, obviously making the giraffe scream, too. It ate Todd. I smiled and knew right there and then that I was the strongest wizard in the world.

"Um, Ms. Duck, can you sit down now? You're interrupting my class. For the second time, today," Mr. Pattinson said, rolling his eyes.

I strutted the rest of the way to my seat, and when I got there, I quickly tossed my hair and turned my body to wink at my teacher. He shook his head.

"How was the nurse?" Someone asked me. I forgot Ednerd kind of sat next to me. How dare I. "Oh…fun?" I asked, rolling my eyes like a true model.

"Well that is fun," Ednerd nodded. I was curious by his strange vocabulary. "Prophase," I said.

"What?"

"The answer to the science-like question, you illogical little turnip," I snapped.

"What do you all put on your hamburgers?" Mr. Pattinson asked. "PROPHASE!" I screamed. Silence in the class room made me feel confident that I was noticeably intelligent with my logical ways.

"Um…" Mr. Pattinson was obviously speechless by my sophisticated answer. The bell rang. "Class is over!" He announced.

We all got up to leave. I skipped.

Since the rest of my first day at Spoons High was uneventful, except the shooting that resulted in two deaths and an aggressive alpaca burst through the window and ate a text book, I'll just skip to when I got home in my big ugly truck.

I got a text from Judith. _R U GONNA GO SHOPPIN L8R? ITLL B FUN (: AND ULL FIND A HAWT DRESS AND DEN FOOD. R U IN? 3 JUDY_

I replied "K." because it was original and it totally isn't a group on thousands of websites saying "I hate getting texts that say K.", so I figured she knew I was in. She replied a (: and I said _WHAT TIME SHALL WE GO TO THIS FUN LITTLE "GET TOGETHER?" _She replied _2MARROW 3 JUDY _and then I threw my phone across the room to let her know I didn't want to reply. She never responded after that. Hmm…

Anyway, I was making dinner for Charles because he was too immature to put the milk in the cereal bowl, so I cooked up lobster and side of filet mignon and fried shrimp with happy shaped french fries. I looked up from the oven and saw an owl staring aggressively at me. I winked at it.

It flew at me and hit the window. I laughed at it as its wings made a huge smack against the window and slid off. Being the proper lady that I was, I ran outside to check if it was okay.

I dramatically spun around in circles as if looking for a vampire in the middle of a yellow and dried up meadow, and then I saw the owl right in front of me. I walked over and bent down. "Are you okay?"

"Hoot," it hooted. I picked it up. It had a note in it. Figuring it was from Lord Octavious Smittsdiggen, king of the owls, and they wanted me to be a new recruited member of the SOS- Secret Owl Society.

I threw the note on the ground and stomped on it like a mature adult that I was when I found out it was from Jack White.

After a minute of hurting the notes feelings, I picked it up and read it.

KEVIN AND LARISSA ARE PRETTY AMAZING. THEY THINK YOU SHOULD ADOPT A LLAMA AND BE ITS BEST FRIEND EVERY OTHER TUESDAY. OH AND I LIKE YOU, BELLY. A LOT. -Jack White

_How romantic! _I thought. I pulled out a pencil from behind my sock and wrote back-

I think I will adopt a llama every other Tuesday! Oh Jack...If only Ednerd wasn't my love. But there's always next movie -Belly Duck

I attached my extravagant note on the owl. "Fly!" I told it. It stood up and glared at me. I smacked it. Nothing.

I looked at Jack's note again and it said "PS- throw it back!"

So I picked up the owl, and flung it through the trees. I heard a "hoot!" as it smacked into some branches.

Charles came running at me. I fell over as he ran passed me, not touching me at all. "Jeez, Charles!" I groaned. He had an angry expression on his face. "That was Mr. Harmoo! The official owl of Spoons! You let him go!"

"Harmoo?" I laughed. Oh, Harmoo, that card.

"Don't laugh!" Charles yelled. "He's a crazy spastic little owl, that Harmoo! Always causing ruckus down by the docks! I was supposed to lock him up, and you ruined it!"  
I threw a stick at my father. "Shut up! Jack White sent me a love letter with Harmoo and I replied!"

"Harmoo still does mail service here? I thought that was Clementine…"

"Wait, we have two owls?" I asked, confused.

Charles giggled. "Silly girl, Clementine's not an owl, he's an aardvark!"

I slowly stood up and walked away. "Um…okay…" He started hooting the Spoons National Anthem as I ran inside and locked the door. At least I'd sleep safe that night…

As I paced around the living room, near the Siberian Camel exhibit, I thought of an idea- _YouTweetSpaceBook!_

was the Pacific North West social site! Ednerd would _have _to have one of these puppies!

I hopped on my favorite llama, Steven, and we rode up the elevator and ran down the hall to my room. I grabbed my laptop and got back on Steven. I whinnied as my hair sexually blew off my face and I winked at the camera spiraling around us and our valorizing beauty. That didn't make sense at all, but whatever.

As I spiraled off of Steven onto the couch in the family room, I turned on my laptop. I had four-thousand, six hundred and ninety nine emails. Wait. I got an update message from my fan site. Four thousand seven hundred. I was on F-I-R-E hotness.

I deleted all of the messages from _YouTweetSpaceBook _and my fan site, leaving me four thousand, six hundred and ninety seven emails. Hot.

The rest were from stores and such about overdue books or overdue movies or I never paid for or I never bought blah, blah, blah. Oh, and my mom.

There were only about three hundred and seventy emails from her, which was pretty gosh darn good. I opened the newest one.

Dear Belly-Poo, my one and only favorite daughter in the galaxy,

I terribly miss you. In fact, I even started a fan page on that social website up in Spoons that says "BELLY SHOULD GO BACK HOME TO RANISHMA!" and it already has fifty two thousand fans! Woo-hoo! Well, Peter has been acting odd recently… He mumbles in his sleep about missing you and such, and then whenever I find him on the computer I see him on your fan site and him quickly turning it off. I wonder if he has a crush on you… I'll talk to him about that later. Well, I gotta go rant to the cops about "my missing daughter!" I'll tell them you were mistaken for a poor fat boy with a disease who was supposed to go to the Philippians. That will make the rest of my week. Seeyabye! Ranishma

I replied "Didn't you do that last time I was gone? By the way, I'm passionately and vigorously in love with this hot boy I sit next to in chemistry. Oh, can you believe my luck recently? Love Belly."

My font was always so much cooler than Ranishma's. Anyway, I logged onto _YouTweetSpaceBook _and looked at my entire three friend requests, accepting all of them, of course. I noticed that one was from Jack…and the other was from Dilly. The third was from Judith.

I searched Ednerd's name and sure enough, I found his entire family. I quickly clicked "Add" to each of them. His fathers name was Clancy and his mothers name was Emily. What beautiful and rare names. I stalked them, being a stalker.

Clancy was a dermatologist and Emily wrote cook books. I was instantly jealous.

It's a good time to update my Character Diary, mind you.

** Belly Duck- Sexy, beautiful, main character of everything important in life. **

** Ranishma Scotts- Stupid mother of Belly's who is married to Peter, Belly's step dad. She's silly, but pretty much Belly's only true friend. (WHAT? IIIIII HAVE MILLIONS OF FRIENDS.) **_**New: Worried about husband. **_**  
Peter Scotts- The ugly creeper who checks me out whenever Ranishma isn't there. I pretty much moved because of his girl-like attitude. **

** Charles Duck- Stupid father of mine who works in the police station and in a dress shop on Wednesday's. He loves football. And beer. And magazines, but he hides them whenever I come around…Odd….*note* must look into that. **_**New: Loves owls and aardvarks. *note* Christmas opportunities… **_

** The Whites- Dilly and Jack. I hate Dilly. I love Jack. Wait what? Woof. Don't know where that came from. **_**New: Jack wrote me an amazing love letter. **_

** The Ugly Crew: Amy, Judith, Timmy, Aaron and Mick: **

** Amy- One of those supportive friends who really has no life. She loves everything Asian, including that boyfriend of hers, Aaron. I like her. **_**New: Might hate me…**_

** Aaron- Amy's boyfriend. He's okay. **

** Judith- I plan on clinging onto her until she gets completely annoyed and ditches me because she hates me for no reason at all. I secretly want her to die. **_**New: Seriously hates me for no reason at all, which is what I figured. **_

** Timmy- The loser African American. I think he likes anything that moves. *Note* Watch out, Charles… **

** Mick: Obviously is incredibly and insanely and passionately in love with me. Watch out for him.**

** The woman at the café: Don't like very much. Her name is either Betty or Janise. I hope it's something majestic like Claudia. I hope she dies, too. *note* See Judith. **

** Limo driver/People at airport: Not important at all.**

** NEW- Colon's **

** Ednerd Colon- either loves me or hates me. Can't tell yet. I'll look into that on the internet. Oh, and possibly a unicorn. **

** Rest of Colons because I don't love them as much- cool people. So yeah, bye. **

I closed my handy-dandy journal and went back to stalking my majestic Colons. Tulip enjoyed makeup, boys, shopping, clothes, jewelry, blonde hair dye and a mirror. Typical girl unicorn…

Josiah enjoyed surfing, flowers, peace conventions, and the environment. What a vegetarian.

Emerson enjoyed video games, sports, food and girls. I found that a major turn-off.

Anna enjoyed hanging out with friends, shopping, clothes, and weird hair. What a girl.

Emily enjoyed family get-togethers, walks on the beach, making food, and having no life out of being a mom. I liked her.

And last, Clancy liked taking care of zits, food, drinking blood, and football. How father-like!

Oh, and Ednerd. Ednerd enjoyed books, school, glasses, and hating Belly, whoever that was.

I figured that if I married Ednerd, I could fix his family and make them more compatible to be with. Just fix some of the unattractive qualities, like sports and zits. Everything else seemed okay.

Wait…blood drinking? That was…so…carnivorous… And kind of hot. I would have to start looking into that. But that's me, always trying new things. Belly Duck, professional librarian for the Tri-State County.

When I refreshed the Internet page, I got new notifications saying that Tulip, Clancy, Emerson, Josiah, Anna and Emily added me. Not Ednerd. I figured an angry walrus flew into his house and smashed his computer, so it'd take time.

I threw my laptop across the room and got up to continue the delicious meal I was planning. I heard a knock on the door and screamed. It was Charles, that card. I unlocked the door after awhile, after I had finished eating dinner.

He was freezing cold, and I told him to be a man. He stuttered some random thing, and I ignored him.

I told him that I had homework, even though I had finished it at school. I skipped off to the den, passed the alpaca and flamingo section of the zoo.

I could hear that Charles had turned on the game, so I ran up to my room and turned on my angry opera music and started to do vigorous jumps off of my bed. I completely landed on my back, causing a seizure. I recovered sufficiently.

Charles suddenly heard me do another jump, and ran up to my room. "Are you committing suicide?"

I shook my head. "No."

He left.

I pulled out my handy-dandy granola bar stash and started munching away on my feelings. I had so much to think about… Ednerd…Jack…Harmoo…my pet Fringio the panda, back in Phoenix…ugh, I hated life. When I realized I was actually eating my own finger, I started to sob uncontrollably. Only to show you readers that I have emotions, to develop character. To add onto it, I rolled around and acted like a mature misfit. I felt hot. Charles stormed back into my room. "Belly! I'm trying to watch the game! Stop having a girl issue and be quiet!"

I couldn't believe him. "How…dare…you…" I jumped at him. He stumbled back while I attempted to beat him.

"What's wrong with you?" Charles gasped. "You're out of control! Do I have to send you back to Phoenix to live with your mom?"

I was in shock. "No? And besides, she's in Florida."  
"Belly…" he was getting really angry. "Sorry," I finally said. "I'll stop rolling and jumping and crying."

He nodded twice. "Good. Good…" He left my room, humming the Spoons National Anthem.

I got out my other laptop (I had four) and sat on my bed. Maybe Ednerd accepted my request!

An IM came up. I gasped. It was from _JudyFruity235. _Was it…Ednerd? Nope. Jessica.

JUDYFRUITY235- HEYY GURL

BELLYWELLY696- HI.

JUDYFRUITY235- WHATS UP?

BELLYWELLY696- Sitting.

JUDYFRUITY235- Er…fun. LOL. What are you doing 2moro?

BELLYWELLY696- Nothing.

JUDYFRUITY235- Uh, wrong! Ha-ha! We're going shopping!

BELLYWELLY696- Oh. Yeah. Well I'm gonna go now, cuz I don't want to talk to you and your negative attitude. Bye.

JUDYFRUITY235- Ha! UR SO FUNNY! Bye Belly!

_BELLYWELLY696 is offline. _

I went onto my fan site to check all of my updates. Four, score! Then I realized I had to see if Ednerd accepted my request, so I'd be able to stalk all of his pictures. I logged onto and saw that he didn't add me. I quickly sunk into depression. I heard Charles go out into the garage to grab a beer, most likely, so I stuffed a pillow to my face and started screeching out in agonizing pain. It worked out masterfully.

When he came back in I squirmed back to my laptop, which was cracked from the loudness of my screaming. I winked it at, hoping it would be fixed. Then I gasped in shock. Nothing had happened.

I pulled out my third laptop from under my stuffed camel plush that I slept with. I logged onto _YouTweetSpaceBook _and I had a notification. I gasped out loud. I clicked and saw "Ednerd Colon has rejected your friendship." I clicked my teeth. "Hmm… I'll try again tomorrow."


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE: PA LUSH.

I vigorously stood up from my bed and majestically crawled out of my room. I was bored. I had to do something fun and exciting. Like watch children cartoons. That made me smile.

I ran down the stairs to yell at Charles for not being a good father by not letting me watch the game, but he was gone. What a loser! After me throwing his personal items around and rolling on the floor sobbing, he said he'd let me watch TV for the rest of the night. There were only forty-five other TVs in the house, two of which are in his room, fourteen of which are in mine. But they weren't plasma, so I didn't like them.

I turned on my _Belly Duck- Her Young Years in Spoons _four-part TV drama/comedy/horror/adventure. It was my way of connecting me back to this old dump.

As the documentary of my extravagant life was paused for three moments for stupid commercials, I went to get some popcorn. I was at "Belly's 3rd Day of First Grade," where I would find a starving turtle in the school's gym. As I got into the kitchen, I looked around for the popcorn seasoning. I needed _KEWL RANCH _for my butter-lover popcorn! After one minute and nine seconds of searching, I found it in the cabinet labeled _Popcorn Cabinet_. Did Charles think this was some sick joke?

I poured the entire bottle of seasoning on the popcorn I had made after the search. It was zesty.

From the other room, I could hear "now back to _Belly Duck- Her Young Years in Spoons_, only on SPOON Network!" (I forgot what SPOON stood for, so leave it.) I skipped back to the TV.

As I sat down, seeing the video of me finding the turtles, I became sleepy. I didn't know what to do. I stuffed loads of popcorn into my mouth and drank the can of weird liquid called "Beery-Bear, the Official Alcohol of Spoons," I felt the urge to… salsa dance. Wait…salsa dance? Yep, I just looked over my notes. Anyway, I stood up, and then fell down again. I felt…maybe…drunk? I wouldn't know, exactly, because I fell over, dead asleep.

I woke up at 6:09 AM, twenty three minutes earlier than when I was supposed to wake up. I galloped toward my room, to get in the shower. Since there are sick perverted masochistic crazy men and or women out there, and since this is _my _novel, I'll skip to when I was driving to school and not me in the shower.

You know the worst part? It was snowing. Snowing. As in white little pieces of frozen rain falling slowly yet evilly onto our planet Earth. So while Charles was putting new tires on my truck to help keep it from sliding off the road from the snow, I ate a granola bar.

I kicked him goodbye and got into my car, ready to joylessly start my day. I turned on the scream-o station, and violently shook my head, not paying attention to the road. I figured everyone would stay away from my truck because it was too majestic for them. Shockingly, I was wrong!  
Everything was fine until I pulled into school. Well, okay after I got out of my car at school. Out of _nowhere_, Timmy decided it would be cool that his limo driver would drive right into me. As the limo quickly, at two miles per hour, sliding across the entire parking lot, taking forever, I stood completely still, in too much shock that someone was out to get me.

As if on cue, an angelic figure pushed me out of the way and got into my car and moved it so it wouldn't be hit. It. Was. Ednerd. Either Ednerd was a supernatural hunk, or the limo was just going seriously slow, or both, but I was okay. Until I foolishly fell over and slammed my head on another car four feet away.

"Are you okay?" Timmy asked me, as blood violently gushed from my head. "No. I. Need. A hospital."

"I have the cops on speed dial," Judith said, sounding interested. "Nine…one…one…"  
"You pompous walnut!" I scowled. "Hurry up!"

As Judith talked to the cops, I laid there, curled up in a ball, thinking about my life. What if I were to die? Do you, reader, think I would die?

I hate that in books, I really do. If you say you're going to die, and you write a novel using first person point of view, you obviously will not die. I don't want to be a hypocrite, but I was so dying.

Then I blanked out.

I woke up in the Spoons hospital. "What the Jacob Black?" I asked, extremely confused, confused as a drunken hillbilly. I was never a drunk, nor a hillbilly. Maybe both, though, at one point…

Then I saw my father, over me, with a boarding knife and road map. "What are you doing…? Why am I here?" I asked the man known as my "father."

"You fell and foolishly hit your head, remember?" He asked, and answered at the same time. "Oh, yeah…Well what up with the knife and map?"

"I got lost while I was walrus hunting…?"

Oh, duh!

"Right, sorry, my bad," I shook my head. I looked around and saw a stuffed owl, sitting in my "Get Well Soon" area. I picked it up and threw it at a nurse, trying to get attention. It hit her in the head and she fell over, having a spasm and bleeding. "Quick! She's having an aneurism!" A doctor screamed, and a bunch of other doctors ran over. NO! Wrong person!

I threw a "Get Well Soon" brick at the doctor who noticed the aneurism and that caused more issues. "Who's doing that?" Another nurse asked. "ME! I. Need. Assistance."  
"They make Get Well Soon bricks still?" The doctor asked me, checking up on me. I nodded. "Duh?"

"What do you need, Miss Duck?" he asked. "I checked your vitals and everything. I said you could leave…" I was stumped. "When?"

"About an hour ago. You fell asleep after I told you that you could leave."

"So those two nurses and doctors just died for no reason?" I asked. He nodded. "It's okay, that means my family can feed- I mean, plan their funerals."

"Are you a Colon?" I asked, looking at his Dr. Colon nametag. "Yes, you added me on that silly social network site." I nodded, "Ahh, I remember. How's the family doing? I saw Emily fell off of a bridge, but then I saw she was okay."

"She posted that?" He asked. "Yeah, why?" He made a face. "No reason."

I decided to leave. "Bye," I said, and Charles followed me out, thanking Clancy.

Now I didn't want this to happen. All of it happened so fast. One minute I was a beautiful and talented child star, the next moment I'm almost getting ran over by some random loser, but being saved by an angelic unicorn. I needed to talk to Ednerd.

Fortunately, being the physic that I was, he was right around the corner. I shoved my father out of my way to go talk to him.

"Yo, dog!" I said.

"Hello."

"What's up in the hizz-house?"

"Nothing."

"Splendid."  
"Marvelous."

"Let's elope."

"No thanks, Belly."

"Darn…"

"Sorry."

"How about now?"  
"I'll think about it."

"Really?"

"Nope."

"Are you a unicorn?"

"Nope."

"Are you gay?"

"Nope."

"Are you straight?"

"Nope."  
"Is that all you're gonna say?"

"Nope."

"What else are you going to say then?"

"Epon."

"What?"

"It's nope backwards."  
"Oh. I know you regret saving me, so wanna tell me what you are and not run away being all prissy?"

"Nope."

"Please?"

"Nope," he stormed off.

"Call me!" I screamed after him.

"Nope!"

"What was that about, Belly?" Charles asked me, finally catching up from after I knocked him over.

"He's a hottie," I explained.

"Isn't he the one that saved you?"

"Nope."

"Yes, he is."  
"Oh, right." Curse that unicorn for rubbing off on me.

"Want to go home and call Ranishma?"  
"No, she'll have an epileptic seizure."

"Fun stuff."

"Right? I'm gonna go home and look up 'Cold Ones.'"

"What?"

"Wait, not the right chapter."

"Okay then…"

I let the old fart drive me home.

"We're going to the beach," Judith said as we were talking on the phone.

"Now?'

"Yep."

"Which beach?"

"Pa Lush."

"Oh-em-gee!" I said, squeeing into the phone.

"Right?"

"Hey, dad, I'm going to the beach," I said.

"Kay!"

"Let's. Go," I said, talking to Judith.

"Yay!" She giggled.

"I want to harm you right now involving an angry alpaca and a bottle of mustard."

"Oh, Belly, you and your ways!" She giggled.  
I hung up. "I'm going," I announced.

"Bye!"

I glared at him. He was being suspiciously normal. "I'm watching you," I reminded.

"I know?"

I winked and left.

I arrived at the beach in exactly forty two minutes and four seconds. It would have been forty one minutes and four seconds, but I kept accidentally backing into my dad's police car.

Judith ran up to me and gave me a hug. "Belly!"

I took the back of her head with my hand and threw her to the ground. NO ONE. Hugged me. No. One.

"…Anyway, we're so happy you came with, Belly," Amy said and nodded at me. I grinned at her before stepping on Judith's face. "As you should be. People around here should be honored that I'd even consider hanging out with them. After all, I am Belly Duck: World Famous Porn Star."

Everyone looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"….Loljk."

Aaron went over and grabbed his surfboards.

I hated surfing. A swarm of dolphins attacked me last year. For being perfect, obviously. I looked down at Judith and pushed my foot down on her chest. "You didn't tell me. We were going. To surf."

"I'm sorry, Belly, I didn't think you cared!" She easily choked out.

I glared down at her. "I will kill you. Maybe not today, because people are around. But mark my words. I will. Kill. You."

She started to cry. I smiled and winked at her before looking back up at my posse. "I don't want to surf. Okay."

"Why not?" Mick asked with a frown. He probably wanted to surf my ocean.

…

Er.

"Because I was attacked by an evil group of dolphins last year."

"But there aren't any dolphins out here, Belly…"

"YOU NEVER KNOW THESE DAYS."

"I'm not going to surf, either," Amy said quietly. I grinned at her for exactly thirty seconds. "Good. We can sit and chat and talk girl to girl and be bee-eff-effs."

"Yay!"

The others went out to surf and play with the invisible dolphins.

"So, like, Aaron, like, isn't asking me to prom. And I'm just like ugh. Cus, like, we're already together and chizz, so you'd think it'd be simple, like, for him to ask, ya know?"

I looked over at her. "Um. Bitch, listen up. If you want to go with him, then YOU ask HIM. Show him who's in charge. Show him that if he gets you upset, then you will cut his manhood off and shove it down his mother's throat."

"….You're right, Belly!"

I smiled.

"BELLY!" a light voice boomed from behind me. I turned to look at Jack White. He was so hawt. "JACK!" I screamed quietly, running over to hug him, which ended up with his friends all fallen over with bruises. I was just that flawless. Still am, mind you.

"I was wondering if you wanted to hear about a totally not symbolic story I was told last night."

"I'd love. To."

"Cool. So, how about we just ditch your human friends?"

"I have nonhuman friends…?"

"…No."

"Oh."

We walked.

Before he started talking, I asked him a question. "How did you know I was here?"

"I could smell you."

"Oh."

"So, there are these things called the Coly Colons. Like, vampires. That used to live here. And they ate my great ancestors. Cuz they were vampires. And we think that the Colons might be descendents of them. Or them. Cuz they're vampires. And vampires live forever."

"Oh."

"…That's all you have to say?"

"Wait. Did you say…Coly Colons?"

Jack sighed. I punched him. So much sexual angst.

"Yes. They are vampires. Vampires."

"Oh."

"Belly!"

"What?"

"They're vampires!"

"I heard you the first ten times, gosh. They clearly aren't the Colons that live here now."

"…Why not?'

"Because the Colon's that live here now are unicorns. Not vampires. Silly."

"...Vampires."

"Oh."


End file.
